Favorite Forwarded Funny Joke of the Day

[Kismette]

A riddle for the day
~~~~~

Arnold Schwarzenegger has a big one.

Michael J. Fox has a small one.

Madonna doesn't have one.

The Pope has one but doesn't use it.

Clinton uses his all the time.

Bush is one

Mickey Mouse has an unusual one.

Liberace never used his on women.

Jerry Seinfeld is very, very proud of his.

Cher claims that she took on 3.

We never saw Lucy use Desi's.

What is it?

Answer below! (this is pretty good )




The answer is:

"A Last Name."

You didn't think I'd send you a dirty joke, did you?

[ntbullock]

I sometimes get mail where my last name is misspelled "Bullcock." It always brightens my day.

[Martian]

I'm from the Sunshine Coast where one of the the main beaches is Bullcock Beach.

[ntbullock]

Yeah, I know. I own that beach.

[Martian]

I knew they had to have named it after you.

[Kismette]

This is basically for all those women out there, but I bet even a guy will find this joke funny.

What Religion is Your Bra?

A man went into the ladies department of a Macy's and shyly walked up to the woman behind the counter and said, "I'd like to buy a bra for my wife.
What type of bra?" asked the clerk.
Type?" inquires the man, "There's more than one type?
Look around," said the saleslady, as she showed a sea of bras in every shape, size, color and material imaginable.
Actually, even with all of this variety, there are really only four types of bras to choose from.
Relieved, the man asked about the types.
The saleslady replied:
There are the Catholic, the Salvation Army, the Presbyterian, and the Baptist types. Which one would you prefer?
Now totally befuddled, the man asked about the differences between them.
The Saleslady responded, "It is all really quite simple...
The Catholic type supports the masses.
The Salvation Army type lifts the fallen,
The Presbyterian type keeps them staunch and upright, and
The Baptist makes mountains out of mole hills.

Have you ever wondered why A, B, C, D, DD, E, F, G, and H are the letters used to define bra sizes?
If you have wondered why, but couldn't figure out what the letters stood for, it is about time you became informed!

(A} Almost Boobs...
{B} Barely there.
{C} Can't Complain!
{D} Dang!
{DD} Double dang!
{E} Enormous!
{F} Fake.
{G} Get a Reduction.
{H} Help me, I've fallen and I can't get up !

Send this to all that will appreciate it!
They forgot the German bra.
Holtzemfromfloppen

[Kismette]

A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and
help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get it started. "Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"
The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a tiger."
Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table. He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger." He takes her hand and says, "Second, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then..."
He sighed......... "Let's put all the Frosted Flakes back in the box......."


***********************
My take on this: blondes are stupid! Got to love those dumb blonde jokes.

[Kismette]

Here is a long one. :) Hey these kinds of things get sent to me.

You know you grew up in the 80's if...........................
-You tuned into MTV and actually watched music videos.
-You ever ended your sentence with "psych".
-You solved the Rubics cube by peeling off the stickers.
-You watched the pound puppies.
-You wore biker shorts under your skirts and felt stylish.
-You yearned to be a member of the Baby-sitters club and tried to start a club of your own.
- You owned those little Strawberry Shortcake pals scented dolls
- You know what 'Whoa' means from the show "Blossom".
-Three words: M.C. Hammer.
- If you played the chipmunks Christmas album all year long!
-The crypt keeper really freaked you out.
-Remember reading Kool-Aid man comics
-You ever watched Fraggle Rock!!
-You had plastic streamers on the handlebars of your bike.
-When it was actually worth getting up early on Saturday to watch cartoons.
-You wore a pony tail on the side of your head.
- You saw the original Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles on the big screen.
-You got super excited when it was Oregon Trail day in computer class at school.
-You made your mom buy you one of those clips that would hold your shirt in a knot on the side.
-You had a Kirk Cameron poster on your bedroom wall.
-You wore a Jordache jean jacket and you were proud of it.
- L.A. GEAR
-Your mother wouldn't let you have garbage pail kids.
- You wanted to change your name to Jem.
- You remember reading "Tales of a Fourth Grade Nothing" and all of the Ramona books.
- You know the profound meaning of "Wax on, Wax off".
-You wanted to be a Goonie. (All I have to say to this one is "Hey you guys!!" or my favorite Baby Ruth)
- You ever wore fluorescent, neon clothing.
- You wanted to be on Star Search.
- You can remember what Michael Jackson looked like before his nose fell off.
- You took Lunch boxes to school.
- You have ever pondered why Smurfette was the ONLY female smurf.
- You remember the craze, and then banning of slap bracelets.
- You still get the urge to use the word "NOT" at the end of every statement you make.
- You remember Hypercolor T-Shirts
- You remember Punky Brewster
- You loved Howard the duck.
- You thought that Sheera and He-Man should hook up.
- You thought your childhood friends would never leave because you exchanged "friendship bracelets".
- You ever owned a pair of Jelly Shoes.
- After you saw Pee-Wee's Big Adventure you couldn't stop saying "I know you are but what am I?"
- You remember "I've fallen...and I can't get up!"
- You remember going to the skating rink before there were inline skates.
- You ever got seriously injured on a slip and slide.
- You know not to mix poprocks and soda. (I don't care how many studies they do I am still not trying that!!)
- You have played with a 'skip-it'.
- You had or went to a birthday party at McDonald's.
- You ever sat on or used one knee on a skateboard.
- You learned oldies songs by watching Alvin and the Chipmunks
- You had a Glow Worm or watched the cartoon.
- You remember dancing along with the Bangles in "Walk Like An Egyptian"..
-If you remember Heathcliff the orange cat.
- You remember Popples
- DON'T WORRY, BE HAPPY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
- You wore socks over tights with high top Reeboks.
- You wore like 8 pairs of socks at once, scrunched down
- If you remember this one...'Miss Mary Mack Mack Mack all dressed in black black black'.
- You remember boom boxes instead of CD players.
- You remember watching both "Gremlins" movies.
- You remember the crimp fad.
- You remember the Transformers.
- You knew what it meant to say: "CARE BEAR STARE!!" and you had a favorite.
- You remember Rainbow Bright and My Little Ponies.
- You remember watching TV and thinking Doogie Howser was hot!
- You remember Alf, the little furry brown alien from Malmac.
- You remember the large amounts of hairspray used.
- You remember those very stylish headbands.
- You remember the beginning of New Kids on the Block!
- You remember watching the Cosby show.
- You remember Mr. Belvadier.
- You remember Michael J. Fox in Family Ties and Back to the Future. - The movies 'Bachelor Party', Dirty Dancing, and anything with Molly Ringwald

[Kismette]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xFAWR6hzZek

This is just bizarre but it got sent to me in a fwd.

What is it supposed to represent?

[Kismette]

This was sent to me because of St. Patricks Day I guess.

Two Irishmen, Patrick & Michael, were adrift in a lifeboat following a
dramatic escape from a burning freighter. While rummaging through the boat's provisions, Patrick stumbled across an old lamp. Secretly hoping that a genie would appear, he rubbed the lamp vigorously.

To the amazement of Patrick, a genie came forth. This particular genie, however, stated that he could only deliver one wish, not the standard three.

Without giving much thought to the matter, Patrick blurted out, "Make the entire ocean into Guinness Beer!" The genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately the entire sea turned into the finest brew ever sampled by mortals. Simultaneously, the genie vanished. Only the gentle lapping of Guinness on the hull broke the stillness as the two men considered their circumstances.

Michael looked disgustedly at Patrick whose wish had been granted. After a long, tension-filled moment, he spoke: "Nice going Patrick! Now we're going to have to pee in the boat!

[Kismette]

If you can believe it, my mother-in-laws sister, (does that make her my aunt?) sent this joke to me. Or maybe I am just tacked onto her cc list and that's why I got it.
Anyway, here it is. A definite Texas joke.



A lady went into a bar in Waco and saw a cowboy with his feet propped up on a table.

He had the biggest boots she'd ever seen.

The woman asked the cowboy if it's true what they say about men with big feet.

The cowboy grinned and said, "Shore is, little lady. Why don't you come on out to the bunkhouse and let me prove it to you."

The woman wanted to find out for herself, so she spent the night with him.

The next morning she handed him a $100 bill.

Blushing, he said, "Well, thank ye ma'am. Ah'm real flattered. Ain't nobody ever paid me fer mah services before."

She said, "Don't be flattered... take the money and buy yourself some boots that fit."

[Kismette]

George Carlin on age.
(Absolutely Brilliant)

IF YOU DON'T READ THIS TO THE VERY END, YOU HAVE LOST A DAY IN YOUR LIFE. AND WHEN YOU HAVE FINISHED, DO AS I AM DOING AND SEND IT ON.

George Carlin's Views on Aging

Do you realize that the only time in our lives when we like to get old is when we're kids? If you're less than 10 years old, you're so excited about aging that you think in fractions.

"How old are you?" "I'm four and a half!" You're never thirty-six and a half. You're four and a half, going on five! That's the key

You get into your teens, now they can't hold you back. You jump to the next number, or even a few ahead.

"How old are you?" "I'm gonna be 16!" You could be 13, but hey, you're gonna be 16! And then the greatest day of your life . . you become 21. Even the words sound like a ceremony. YOU BECOME 21. YESSSS!!!

But then you turn 30. Oooohh, what happened there? Makes you sound like bad milk! He TURNED; we had to throw him out. There's no fun now, you're just a sour-dumpling. What's wrong? What's changed?

You BECOME 21, you TURN 30, then you're PUSHING 40. Whoa! Put on the brakes, it's all slipping away. Before you know it, you REACH 50 and your dreams are gone.

But wait!!! You MAKE it to 60. You didn't think you would!

So you BECOME 21, TURN 30, PUSH 40, REACH 50 and MAKE it to 60

You've built up so much speed that you HIT 70! After that it's a day-by-day thing; you HIT Wednesday!

You get into your 80's and every day is a complete cycle; you HIT lunch; you TURN 4:30; you REACH bedtime. And it doesn't end there. Into the 90s, you start going backwards; "I Was JUST 92"

Then a strange thing happens. If you make it over 100, you become a little kid again. "I'm 100 and a half!"
May you all make it to a healthy 100 and a half!!

HOW TO STAY YOUNG
1. Throw out nonessential numbers. This includes age, weight and height. Let the doctors worry about them. That is why you pay "them."

2. Keep only cheerful friends. The grouches pull you down.

3. Keep learning. Learn more about the computer, crafts, music, art, stock, gardening, whatever. Never let the brain idle. "An idle mind is the devil's workshop."And the devil's name is Alzheimer's.

4. Enjoy the simple things.

5. Laugh often, long and loud. Laugh until you gasp for breath.

6. The tears happen. Endure, grieve, and move on. The only person, who is with us our entire life, is ourselves. Be ALIVE while you are alive.

7. Surround yourself with what you love, whether it's family, pets, keepsakes, music, plants, hobbies, whatever. Your home is your refuge.

8. Cherish your health: If it is good, preserve it. If it is unstable, improve it. If it is beyond what you can improve, get help.

9. Don't take guilt trips. Take a trip to the mall, even to the next county; to a foreign country but NOT to where the guilt is.

10. Tell the people you love that you love them, at every opportunity.
AND ALWAYS REMEMBER:
Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away.

And if you don't send this to at least 8 people - who cares? But do share this with someone. We all need to live life to its fullest each day!!

[Kismette]

My own sister sent this to me. I think her mind has gone to the gutter.

Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods.
A small tree begins to grow between them, and the beech says to the birch,
"Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?"
The birch says he cannot tell.
Just then a woodpecker lands on the sapling.
The birch says, "Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if
that is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?"
The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree.
He replies, "It is neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch. It
is, however, the best piece of ash I have ever put my pecker in."

[Kismette]

Actually and amazingly I haven't received any fwd'd funny jokes. But got this one from my sister today.


Resimay
Deer Sir,

I waunt to apply for the secritary jobb what I saw in the paper. I can Type real quik wit one finggar and do sum a counting.

I think I am good on the phone and no I am a pepole person, Pepole really seam to respond to me well.

Im lookin for a Jobb as a secritary but it musent be to complicaited!

I no my spelling is not to good but find that I Offen can get a job thru my persinalety.
My salerery is open so we can discus wat you want to pay me and wat you think that I am werth,

I can start imeditely. Thank you in advanse fore yore anser.

hopifuly Yore best aplicant so farr.


Sinseerly,

Peggy May Starlings


PS: Because my resimay is a bit short - below is a pickture of me.


Employer's response:......

Dear Peggy May,

It's OK honey, we've got spell check.

[Kismette]

Apple announced today that it has developed a breast implant
that can store and play music. The iTit will cost $499 or $599 depending on cup size.
This has been hailed as a major breakthrough because women are
always complaining about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.


Let's hope this really doesn't ever come about!!

[ntbullock]

I hate to admit I chuckled at that. I really do.

[Kismette]

A SPANISH Teacher

Was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.

"House" for instance, is feminine: "la casa."

"Pencil," however, is masculine: "el lapiz.."

A student asked, "What gender is 'computer'?"

Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether "computer" should be a masculine or a feminine noun.

Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.

The men's group decided that "computer" should definitely be of the feminine gender ("la computadora"), because:
1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;

2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else;

3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory
for possible later retrieval; and

4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

(THIS GETS BETTER!)

The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be Masculine ("el computador"), because:
1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;

2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves;

3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time
they ARE the problem; and

4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.

The women won.

[Kismette]

I will seek and find you.
I shall take you to bed and have my way with you.

I will make you ache, shake & sweat until you moan & groan.

I will make you beg for mercy, beg for me to stop.

I will exhaust you to the point that you will be relieved when I'm finished with you.

And, when I am finished, you will be weak for days.

All my love,








The Flu

Now, get your mind out of the gutter and go get your flu shot!

[Kismette]

Well since everything is youtube now, a lot of the mail getting sent to me is a video of something.
So my sis sent this to me and I actually watched it.
Its kind of funny and sorry about this NT, but it reminded me of you.
Only in the sense that you make cute videos yourself. :)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9iSlPoQm2XY

A kiss is not a contract

I have no idea what kind of show this is, if its on tv or just the net or what.

[ntbullock]

I'm a fan of these guys. This isn't even their best work. I've got the first season on DVD and there are better portions. Most of the best stuff they have is live:

http://youtube.com/watch?v=WGOohBytKTU


http://youtube.com/watch?v=ZbbxA8a_M_s&feature=related

[willekers]

Hahaha, yeah Flight of the Concords are hilarious. Funnily enough they only started showing this on Australian T.V. about a month ago, even though the show has been going for ages and it is made by a couple of New Zealanders. Very odd. They are probably the funniest thing to come out of New Zealand, I'm not sure if it is even shown in New Zealand... Either way they are funny dudes.

"You say something like, oh... is that it?"
but i know what you really meant to say was
"Oh Yeah! Thats it!"
it's business time!

[Kismette]

Presidential candidates Hillary Clinton, Barack Obama, and John
Mc Cain were flying to a debate.

Barack looked at Hillary, Chuckled and said, 'You know I could throw a $1,000 bill out of the window right now and make somebody very happy.'

Hillary shrugged her shoulders and replied, 'I could throw ten $100 bills out of the window and make ten people very happy.'

John added, 'That being the case, I could throw one hundred $10 bills out of the window and make a hundred people very happy.'

Hearing their exchange, the pilot rolled his eyes and said to his copilot, 'Such big-shots back there. I could throw all three of them out of the window and make 156 million people very happy.'

I'm voting for the Pilot!

[Kismette]

Ok got this sent to me from my husband. *Rolls eyes* well it is funny enough to send along to you all. You probably have already seen it. It's Skeletors Fart Trap

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AT3XVnKcl2Y


My favorite part is "unlock the window".

Edit: Found the whole version of the minimovie. Super Villain Carpool

http://www.milkandcookies.com/link/33439/detail/

[Kismette]

A young boy went up to his father and asked him,
'Dad, what is the difference between 'potentially'
and 'realistically'?'

The father thought for a moment, then answered,
'Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Brad
Pitt for a million dollars.

Then ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad
Pitt for a million dollars, and then ask your brother
if he'd sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars.
Come back and tell me what you learn from that.'

So the boy went to his mother and asked, 'Would
you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?'

The mother replied, 'Of course I would! We could
really use that money to fix up the house and send
you kids to a great University!'

The boy then went to his sister and asked, 'Would
you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?'

The girl replied, 'Oh my Gawd! I LOVE Brad Pitt I
would sleep with him in a heartbeat, are you nuts?'

The boy then went to his brother and asked, 'Would
you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?'

'Of course,' the brother replied. 'Do you know what a
million bucks would buy?'

The boy pondered the answers for a few days and
then went back to his dad.

His father asked him, 'Did you find out the difference
between ?' The boy replied,
'Yes, 'Potentially', you and I are sitting on three million dollars .

But 'realistically', we're living with two hookers and a queer.'

[Kismette]

The letter was sent to the Principal's office after Kean Elementary in Wooster, Ohio had sponsored a luncheon for the elderly. An old lady received a new radio at the lunch as a door prize and was writing to say thank you. This story is a credit to all humankind. Forward to anyone you know who might need a lift today.

Dear Kean Elementary:

God bless you for the beautiful radio I won at your recent senior citizens luncheon. I am 84 years old and live at the Springer Home for the Aged. All of my family has passed away. I am all alone now and it's nice to know that someone is thinking of me. God bless you for your kindness to an old forgotten lady. My roommate is 95 and has always had her own radio, but before I received one, she would never let me listen to hers, even when she was napping.
The other day her radio fell off the nightstand and broke into a lot of pieces. It was awful and she was in tears. Her distress over the broken radio touched me and I knew this was God's way of answering my prayers. She asked if she could listen to mine, and I told her to kiss my ass.

Thank you for that opportunity.

Sincerely,
Agnes Baker

[Outbound]

Hmmmm, interesting and something you just don't hear these days....

I found this beautiful Aussie Summer poem and thought it might be a
comfort to you. It was to me and it's very well written; I hope
you enjoy it because it's the best piece of English literature I've
seen in quite a while....

'An Aussie Summer '
a poem by Abigail Elizabeth McIntyre



Fuck, It's HOT !

[Kismette]

Here is one I actually got from my husband. He rarely sends me forwards. This one has lots of bad words and innuendos so if its unacceptable go ahead and delete or block it. But it is hilarious.
I actually thought of the movie Boon Dock Saints with Wilem Defoe after reading this list. "You want to cuddle, what a fag!"

1. If you are over forty, and you have a washboard stomach,
you are a queer. It means you haven't sucked back enough
beer with the boys and have spent the rest of your free time
doing sit-ups, aerobics, and doing the Oprah diet...Faggot.

2. If you have a cat, you are a homo. A cat is like a dog,
but queer-- it grooms itself constantly but never scratches
itself, has a delicate touch except when it uses its claws,
and whines to be fed. And just think about how you call a dog...
'Killer, come here! I said get your ass over here, Killer!'
Now think about how you call a cat...
'Bun-bun, come to daddy, snookums!' Jeeez you're so queer.

3. If you suck on lollipops, Ring-Pops, baby pacifiers, or
any such nonsense, rest assured, you are a Gaylord. A
straight man only sucks on BBQ ribs, crab claws, raw
oysters, lobster backs, pickled pigs feet, or tits. Anything
else and you are a Homo in training and undeniably a fag.

4. If you refuse to take a dump in a public bathroom or
piss in a parking lot, you crave a deep homosexual
relationship. A man's world is his toilet; he defecates
and urinates where he pleases.

5. If you drink anything other than regular coffee,
you're as fairy as Tinkerbelle. A straight man will
never be heard ordering a 'Decaf Soy Latte'. If
you've put a Decaf Soy Latte to your lips, you've
had a man there too.

6. If you know more than six names of non-standard colours
or four different types of dessert other than ice cream and
custard, you might as well be handing out free ass passes. A
real man doesn't have memory space in his brain to
remember all of that crap.. If you can pick out chartreuse
you're gay. And if you can name ANY type of textile
other than cotton or denim, you are a peter puffer.

7. If you drive with both hands on the wheel, forget it,
you're dying to tune a meat whistle. A man only puts
both hands on the wheel to honk at a slow-assed driver or to
cut the prick off. The rest of the time he needs that hand
to change the radio station, eat a hamburger, or hold his
beer.

8. If you do not send this off to all the males on your
email list because you are afraid of hurting their feelings
then you are definitely on the verge of being a salami
smuggler.

[Kismette]

That last one was gross, maybe we should get rid of it.

Anyway, here is a video clip that got sent to me.
Its called "Priceless Blowjob"

Another mature one.

http://www.killsometime.com/video/video.asp?ID=1442

On my computer it takes awhile for the video to pop up.
And the chick looks a bit old to try to look young. IMO

[Kismette]

Here is one I love, already bought it for my iphone too :)

Do you wanna date my avatar

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=urNyg1ftMIU

And this other got sent to my hubby and he fwd it to me.
Racist? um I don't know but it is funny.

NASSA

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T6xJzAYYrX8

[Kismette]

Why are you so fat?

Because after I F@ck your wife, she gives me a biscuit.




Now can you believe my husband told this one to me.
Not amused.